You have a three-year-old who refuses to potty train. You’ve been trying for like a year and made no progress.
It might even seem like you’re just making it worse. Your toddler probably even tells you they’re scared of the potty.
You’re spending all of your free time googling what to do and asking every single parent how to potty train your kid. Nothing seems to be working.
It happened to me, and here’s how I potty trained my stubborn 3-year-old.
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Where You Might’ve Messed Up
I messed up. I made mistakes when potty training. There I said it.
You tried to potty train too soon
You got carried away with the Pinterest spirit and all of the expectations of society and peer pressure from other moms.
You started too soon before your kid was ready.
I’m sure you read all of the signs that your child was ready to start potty training and you got all excited about ditching diapers.
Well, I made that mistake too.
You forced it too hard and it was scary
You got mad and frustrated that it wasn’t working so you doubled down and probably yelled and cried with your child.
You made potty training not fun and even scary.
Yep, I made this mistake too. It’s very easy to get frustrated when your 2-year-old isn’t getting the concept of potty training.
I pushed too hard, and she started to become afraid of going potty and just plain didn’t want to do it.
She would tell me she was scared, but I think that’s just because she was being stubborn and didn’t want to do it. Probably because I forced her before she was ready.
You tortured yourself in the process too
You were so focused on getting it done and pushing through that it became all consuming and just exhausted you to your core.
You pushed YOURSELF too far.
I think my first few times potty training were probably some of the hardest days of parenting I’ve experienced. I knew it would be hard but it was like being tortured.
Potty training shouldn’t be so hard that you feel like you committed war crimes.
Yeah, it’s rough being out of your own schedule and learning how to do things a new way. But if it’s just absolute torture, you’re forcing it too hard and too soon.
Step 1: Forget About It and Hard Reset
Okay, you know you messed up. So now what do you do? Start with forgetting about it.
Let your 3-year-old forget about it. If your child is only 2 years old, don’t even bother potty training until they turn three.
Take a good break of at least 2 or 3 weeks. Try to take a month or two off if your kid is newly three.
My daughter didn’t start her final round of potty training (the one that stuck) until she was three and a half. We waited until after Christmas so there’d be less going on.
Step 2: Let Your Three Year Old Choose the Day
Get your toddler their own calendar to hang in their room on their level. (This is also a good way to teach them about how calendars and days of the week work.)
We got a Peppa Pig calendar for Christmas, and I explained to her that she needed to pick a day in January for potty training.
You can try to suggest a certain week or day of the week to start, but I found it helped when we just let her choose out of a whole month.
Give your toddler a sticker and tell them to put it on the day they want to start potty training. It’s the day they get to get rid of diapers! Hooray!
Play up that this is their decision. They get to decide when they potty train.
One of the reasons your toddler is so stubborn is because they think they don’t have any control over the situation. Letting them choose the day gives them some control.
If your child picks a day that doesn’t actually work, you can move the sticker later when they aren’t looking. I moved hers down a week and she didn’t notice.
Step 3: Hype It Up Every Day
When you get your little one up every morning, show them the calendar. Point out what today is and count the days until potty training day. (Or just show them where potty training day is if it’s like a month away.)
Ask them if they’re excited about potty training day or how they’re feeling.
If they say they’re scared just reassure them that you’ll help them, and you’ll do it one step at a time together.
Read books about potty training every day.
Talk about how cool underwear is. Take them to the store and let them pick out their own underwear. (This adds another layer of control for them.)
If you can, have them watch a slightly older sibling or cousin go potty at least once. My daughter watched her cousin go potty. She’s a year older and loves to show her how to do things so she gladly helped with potty training.
I’m sure your kid already watches you go potty because, well, #MomLife amirite? But watching another kid is different. It’s like listening to a cool kid rather than your boring parents.
Step 4: When The Day Comes
Okay, it’s the big day. You’ve successfully hyped up today, and your kid wakes up. It’s time to take off the diaper.
Don’t worry too much if your toddler is having second thoughts. My daughter did.
We just gently guided her and gave her options throughout the day to give her more control. It didn’t even need to be potty training related. It was Daniel Tiger or Sid the Science Kid? A Banana or Yogurt?
Go pantsless
Take off the diaper and let your kid go naked. You can put a shirt on them to stay warm.
Do all of the normal potty training things. Try going potty every 20 minutes. Try watching your kid to see if they start peeing and throw them on the potty. Whatever works for you. That part is always different.
Make it fun
Sit on the potty and sing songs and read books. I’ve sang “Let It Go” so many times in my bathroom.
Let them have the tablet if that works.
Keep a little potty near them
You don’t have to spend the entire day in the bathroom. You’ll go crazy. Trust me, I did.
Keep a little potty in the room with you while playing or watching TV. That way they can get to it faster.
We have this little potty that doubles as a step stool for the actual potty and sink.
Don’t worry about accidents
I worried too much about pee on the floor or on the couch. It’s usually not a lot and easy to clean.
Let them sit on a towel on the couch while they’re pantsless.
Don’t scold your child for accidents. Just remind them that pee goes in the potty next time.
Remain as neutral as possible. You don’t want them to feel overly bad about peeing on the floor because they’re still learning, and it’s discouraging. But you also don’t want to coddle too much because they’ll associate that with a positive feeling.
Put the diaper back on for nap and bedtime
Peeing the bed is very discouraging especially if your child is already discouraged from trying to potty train too many times.
Just explain that the diaper comes off after nap time and try not to pee in it.
Try to have them go potty before and after nap time so they don’t need to pee in it.
Lower Your Expectations
Your kid will NOT potty train in 3 days. Pinterest LIES.
Sure, some kids might. But if you have a stubborn toddler, it won’t happen. Not in just a couple of days.
They’ll get the overall concept in a matter of 3 days. I might take a few days of being pantsless and some accidents to get the idea.
But it will take weeks or months of practice to actually be potty trained. It doesn’t just happen in a weekend.
Split It Up
There are three kinds of potty training (Four if you have a boy) and you don’t have to do all of them at once.
Day time potty training
This is what we’re starting with. Just going potty during the day while your child is awake.
I don’t have a boy, but my BFF trained her son by sitting down. You’ll have to train your boy to stand and pee at some point. That’s the fourth kind. You can start with it or do it later. (I have no personal experience with that.)
Night time potty training
You don’t have to get your 3-year-old to stay dry overnight. My daughter is almost 4 years old and she still wears pull-ups to bed.
Pediatricians say bedwetting is normal up to about 6 years old. So don’t worry if your 3-year-old’s bladder isn’t developed enough to send full signals to a sleeping brain.
Pooping
Okay, we didn’t poop train at the same time as pee train because she kept saying she was scared of pooping on the potty.
She didn’t like the feeling. And she wasn’t ready.
So we gradually poop trained by allowing her to poop in a diaper. But she had to poop in the diaper in the bathroom.
She did hide behind the bathroom door most of the time. But after a while we made her poop in the diaper on the potty.
Then one day when she really had to poop, we sat her on the potty without a diaper, and she complained but she did it. Then she realized it doesn’t hurt and it’s not scary.
The fact that she already had peeing down really helped to let her poop on the potty. And because she didn’t have to worry about pooping on the potty, it made it easier to pee train in the beginning.
So if you’re trying to do everything at once, split it up.
Reward Yourself
Once you make some small victories, reward YOURSELF. Yes, reward your child too, but YOU DID THIS TOO.
Once you make it through the tunnel of potty training and your child is able to hold it and make it to the potty themselves, you deserve to treat yo self!
Just remember it’s a process and it won’t happen immediately. There may actually be no defining “end” to potty training. Accidents will happen even when they’re like 10 or 12. Don’t stress too much about it.
Do You Have a Stubborn 3-Year-Old That Just Won’t Potty Train?
Let me know in the comments below how you’re handling it.
If you’re deep in the dark place that is potty training torture, I feel you. I was there. I made it through. YOU CAN DO THIS.
Katie says
Oh my, i started too early with my 3 year old girl but now there’s no going back. She won’t pee or poop in a diaper because someone told her they are for babies. She pees pretty good but HATES when we try to help or encourage her to poop. She’d just hold it the rest of her life if it were up to her. She says it doesn’t hurt and she’s so proud when she does go and we make a huge deal with dancing and rejoicing, even treats too. But every time it’s drama. Help!!
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
My daughter was the same way about poop. If she’s easily coerced by someone telling her that diapers are for babies, I’d have someone tell her that if she holds her poop in it will hurt her tummy. Maybe that will be enough to get her to poop in the potty. We basically had to wait until she couldn’t hold it anymore and then force her to poop on the potty. Oh and my pediatrician said to give her a small amount of white grape juice in the morning as a laxative. So I’d try that. She’ll eventually poop. Just hope it goes in the potty. lol
Katie McCall says
Our issue is that my 3.5 yo son literally *will not* sit on the potty. We’ve bought four kinds, offered rewards, played games, special books and song. He has great control and body awareness and wears underwear but will *only* pee in the shower. Or outside. No potty whatsoever. He’s terrified and I genuinely don’t know how to get him over it ?
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
Well at least he can control it. Maybe try putting a little potty in the shower as sort of a transition. Slowly work your way to move the potty outside of the shower and then pee in the big potty?
Kim says
My four year old son has been stubborn to go poop I have tried for months to get encourage him one way and another to get to the toilet and keeps having accidents I am running out of ideas . I feel pressure since he will be starting kinder in July. Any advice on how to get him poop .
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
It really depends on the reason he won’t do it. Does it hurt? He might be constipated. Is he scared? And what is he scared of? Does he hide to poop like behind the couch or under the table? Maybe you need to make him a little tent over the potty so he can hide on the potty.
Nikki says
So many helpful tips! We’re just starting out and I’m totally throwing the 3 days out the door! ? my nephew did it, but I have to remember EVERY kiddo is different. Thanks for the encouragement, mama!! ~TheUnusualMama.com
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
Good luck!
Cassidy says
Today was our 4th unsuccessful day of potty training if you could even call it that. It was really just a day of my daughter peeing and pooping all over my house and not caring one bit about any of it. After reading your post 1. I feel a little better and 2. I think we have tried (all 4 times ?♀️) too early. At least I hope that is the case. We ended the day both deeply disappointed and frustrated. I have tried everything except the calendar trick so maybe in a couple more months we will do that. Thank you for your post and making me not feel so alone!
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
You can do this! It’s hell but you can get through it. You probably just need to wait a bit to try again. Once you’re on the other side, it’s glorious.
MB says
I feel like you literally just outlined my life for the last year! On top of that we have another baby coming next week and now my 3.5 year old is “just too small” and has regressed in just a matter of days (right about the time I started setting up the crib and received a TON of diapers as gifts. I am going to leave it for now until we get into a swing with the baby and ensure my older daughter is getting plenty of attention then we will revisit with the calendar. Thank you!!!
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
Glad I could help!
Brittany says
Thanks for writing this. Potty training in 2 days is a lie!! We started at 20mo like “the book” says, its almost 8mo later and we are still cleaning up pee off the floor. Sometimes we go 4 days without accidents, some days we have 4 in one day. Fortunately, our girl loves pooping in the big potty and we’ve only had 1 accident with timing since wk2 of training. We’ve had a lot of changes throughout this time, an international move, travelling and now lockdown where our dynamics within the home are very different. I regret how I’ve handled the bad days, I can see how it could be too much pressure. I think the good days had spoiled us and made us lazy with prompting. I am someone who loves routine. I think if I could just find what really works for my girl we could do it. Pull-ups, training underwear, big kid underwear/ commando(this is what we usually go with in our home)? We’ve tried everything and now I think its just been too inconsistent. I don’t want to do a hard reset because she is really too far along, but don’t know the best course of action to really make any progress stick.
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
You’re still really early with potty training if she’s only 28 months old. You could wait a whole year and it’d be fine. You really don’t need to potty train at 2 years old. You can wait until 3 or 3 and a half. Maybe her body just isn’t ready yet.
Jessica.wilhelm says
My daughter will be 3 in December she hides in the bathroom to poop but i cant get her to pee in the potty unless it right when ahe wakes up. I don’t want to force her but i also dont have the support. Any advice on how to get a 2.5 yr old to pee in the potty? (She just figured out the word no so latwly no has been for everything)
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
If she won’t do it, I wouldn’t force it. Just keep waiting.
Scarlette Elkins says
My son will be 3 Sept 5. We are just introducing the potty 🙂 well we got it at Christmas time last year just so he could look at it for a year i guess lol anyways my son knows when he is peeing and pooping. He always tells me I’m seeing. So I figured now he is ready. 🙂 im definitely getting a calendar for him once he turns 3. That was a great idea. Thanks so much
Rose says
I basically did exactly the same as you and pushed my daughter way to hard (scary hard) when she obviously wasn’t ready when she was 2 because I felt pressure from others. She’s now 4 and has only just started weeing in her potty, but refuses to have the inner bowl in her potty at all, really really freaks out. so we have to use it in the bath! She also will not go anywhere other than home, and won’t let anyone else take her! I’m running out of ideas as to how to get her to use it with the bowl in it?she starts school in August. Its been so traumatic, we were just so happy over lockdown that she was actually using the potty that it didn’t matter to us that we had to put it in the bath as we thought it would be an easy transition! Any help would be much appreciated
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
Try asking her what would help. Sometimes they can help you come up with an idea to make them more comfortable. Try a compromise maybe? Can you put the little potty seat on the toilet? Maybe that will help.
Tired mom says
We have been trying on and off for over a year with my almost 4 yr old. He has no interest most of the time and melts down if you tell him too. Other times he goes on his own and comes back and is excited. We have been trying hard with being quarentined due to COVID and are no further. He goes when he wants and doesn’t care about wearing pull ups, or diapers, consequences mean nothing to him. He says he doesn’t feel it(later says he did feel it) or he didn’t want to use the potty. It’s very frustrating.
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
Getting him to WANT to use the potty is the hard part. He has to be in the right frame of mind to try. If consequences don’t work, try rewards. Maybe that will work better for him.
No clue says
My nearly 4 year old just says no or signs dramatically when the potty is mentioned. She refuses.point blank to sit on the potty or toilet with nothing on her lower half. She will sit on it with her nappy on, she tends to go there after a nappy change not go there to wee or poo, and has happily been doing that for the last few.months and she talks a lot about being a big girl and saying goodbye to nappies but when asked if she wants to do that she says no and walks off. I am now at the point of needing to apply for school for next year and I just feel trapped and that she is going to start being left out and falling behind. She is happy dressing herself washing hands 3rd but toiletting, not so.much. Feeling a bit lost in it all to be honest.
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
I would just give it more time. You can always talk to her pediatrician if you feel like nothing is working.
Allison Morris says
A lot of great advice. I have a 33 month old who can and has hold his urine all night. When we first started he was excited and proud doing well, but now he refuses to go and when I know he has to go then he’ll go in his pants. At the times when I know he has to go should I put him on the potty or just let the accidents happen. This is a kid who likes to be in control and usually doesn’t like anything wet or etc oh him. Thanks for any help. He also refuses to poop on the potty and it seems it is causing him to be very constipated. We put him back in pull up for pooping so he won’t be worried about the underwear.
Kaitlin says
This made me feel so much better reading this that I am not alone! Everyone I talk to does the potty training in 3 days method and I’ve tried twice with my 3 year old daughter with no success at all. The problem is that she now absolutely HATES diapers and training pants. I’ve tried explaining to her that if she doesn’t go in the potty she has to wear a diaper but she does not understand so it just turns into her getting upset every time and if I let her run around pantless it’s just accidents. She goes to daycare and her teacher says she does not fight at all with diaper changes, so I’m thinking it might be just with me at home. Either way, I know she is capable of potty training but just so stubborn everything has to be on her terms. I’m starting to lose patience though since she won’t go in the potty but also won’t wear a diaper. I’ve tried showing her big girl undies as motivation but she says no to those too. Running out of ideas!
Precious says
Thank you ma. It has been all worries for me. My 3years old will hold on on her bladder to be full and even leak out. And still be telling me I don’t want to pee. What do I do ma?
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
Just wait a little longer. Some kids have to be 4 or almost 4 before they’re ready.
Melanie Brzak says
My son just turned 3, we started this potty training thing when he was maybe 1 1/2 years old. He loved it at first and did some what good. So I backed off know not to force it. He is 3 now, he has no issue going poop in the potty, we give him a reward every time he goes. Pee is another story, I ask him if he has to go pee. He will say no and two minutes later pee in his diaper or if he is wearing underwear; pee on the couch. He says sorry each time. When I try to force him to go sit every hour he just has a fit.
Daycare he needs to be dry 2 whole weeks and he can wear underwear there. At home he wears underwear and does pretty good. Accidents happen, I get it. But something has to give. He is right there but I need to push him over to help I feel. We have a fun little potty for him, underwear he loves. We reward him when he goes. We now are telling him, no more new toys until he is potty trained. Potty trained by time Santa comes is our goal. He wants a TV in his room and we said if you are potty trained by Christmas we can do that.
What more can a mommy do?
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
Have you tried making it his choice? Sometimes kids just want to think it’s their idea to do it. Try asking him if he would like to pee in the potty and if he says no, that’s ok. Just let it be his choice. My daughter is more apt to do things if she thinks she has control.
Charlotte Moore says
My daughter will be 4 in December, we have been trying to potty train for about 6 months, she’s picked out knickers we have a potty we read stories about potty training and she seems interested and excited, but as soon as I say we should potty train today or say about not wearing a nappy she gets upset and says we can do it when she’s a little bigger and she’s scared, I don’t know what else I can do, I do my best to try and not put any pressure on it, but if I’m honest it makes me feel like a bad parent, everyone else I know with children the same age are potty trained and family members ask why she is potty trained yet and it makes me feel bad, I just want to do wants best for her.
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
You can’t compare your child to others. They all progress differently. Try the calendar countdown trick where you mark the date and count down to it. But give her at least a week to prepare mentally.
April says
My daughter was so ready three months ago then had a UTI and started soaking her diapers again and doesn’t care. She doesn’t tell us when she has peed or pooped and really doesn’t care if she’s dirty. We tried for two days now to get her to use the toilet with zero success. We’ve tried everything from rewards to praise. Shes 2.5 and is so stubborn. Our first daughter was so easy and was fully trained at this age. I just don’t know what to do. She gets so upset at the thought of her diapers been taken away. I’m six months pregnant so I’m really feeling the pressure. Help! Any advice?
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
I would just wait a little longer. Kids are fickle like that.
Miranda says
Hi! I’m in the same boat as having a stubborn 3 year old girl who refuses to use the potty… She actually knows how to do it, can do it, has done it many times before (pee, no poop) and loved the idea of getting treats for every time she went pee. But then she will wake up the next day and for the following week or two weeks or whatever, she refuses to use the toilet. And she says she’s scared to poop in the toilet. We’ve had our ups and downs throughout this whole process but now there’s like no progress. Would I be too harsh to just “run out” of diapers, have her go without and force her to either have accidents or use the toilet? She can soak up to 4 diapers in just 4 hours at times so it’s beginning to get quite costly keeping up with her bladder. Everyone else I know has children they never went through such trouble potty training so I can’t really get good advice applicable to my situation and my patience is wearing thin..
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
There’s a trick you can do for kids afraid to poop on the toilet. You let them poop in a diaper on top of the toilet with the lid down. Then you can try cutting the bottom of the diaper off so they just feel the waistband and pooping in the toilet. It’s a weird feeling to get used to pooping into an open space if you’ve never done it. A little transition helps sometimes.
Kristin says
My daughter is 3.5 years old and I’m having such a hard time with her potty training. She will do good for a day or two and then refuses again. She will poop on the sofa if I leave her diaper off. She tells me she’s scared. I’ve tried all the books. Her sister who is 2.5 is almost completely potty trained. I thought that would give her the push to potty train and she still tells me that she’s the baby. 🙁
Niki at Toot's Mom is Tired says
My daughter was scared of the potty too. It helps if you reassure her that it can feel weird at first but it’s a normal feeling. Peeing and pooping in the potty feels different to their little bodies. Change is scary. Validating feelings and assurance that what’s happening is normal might help.